


Jen's Addiction's

by Lil_Jei



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: All chapters in one posting, F/M, M/M, switching pov's
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-30
Updated: 2012-06-30
Packaged: 2017-11-08 21:46:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/447889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lil_Jei/pseuds/Lil_Jei
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen had Jared first but got him ready for Gen while he was later pushed aside and lost himself amidst a rush of booze and drugs. But he found redemption within himself but would Jared?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 1

**Author's Note:**

> Fandom: Supernatural RPS  
> Pairing: J2 & Their RL Wives...  
> Rating: R  
> Wd Ct: Hopefully 4000+  
> A/N's: For SPN_Illuminated Cycle & Divendfly's manipulation (http://pics.livejournal.com/divendfly/pic/00004bac)  
> Warnings: Switching Time Periods & POV’s. Dark, depressing, and full of Angst. Drug abuse, alcoholism, self injury(maybe), and adultery as well. I'm going in the direction of Jensen being addicted and so out of control but not realizing it until it's too late and he nearly dies and then in the last 1000 words will be J2 healing and maybe finding each other through the darkness again.

** "Every habit he's ever had is still there in his body, lying dormant like flowers in the desert. Given the right conditions, all his old addictions would burst into full and luxuriant bloom." **

** ~Margaret Atwood **

  
It had been years since he'd felt this out of control. He couldn't tell what was up or down and he knew somewhere along the way he'd gotten lost. He was taking a hit a day just to stay sane and make it through everything. He had just one question, when did everything become so hard? Probably somewhere around year four and Jared telling him it was over between them and that he had found somebody new. Thank god it had been during hiatus because Jensen had spent the next week blitzed out of his mind.  
  
He'd also been reintroduced to his old friend addiction. And thankfully Chris had only given him a few pills or several really and had forgotten about it. Because if his old buddy knew how far down the rabbit hole he really was, the man would feel guilty beyond repair. Jensen had stopped drinking heavily when Dark Angel had ended because he knew if he didn't he'd destroy his liver. But that decision lasted only an hour after Jared had left him. He'd gone back to his oldest friend and he'd hit the bottle hard. Then he'd remembered just why painkillers and booze was so much fun.  
  
Of course the fun ended when he realized that in his month long haze he'd found some chick, proposed and ended up married before he could even sober up. And then Jared had to go and get hitched too just to show Jensen up some more. Wasn't enough that Jared had broken his heart but to rub it in the way he did made Jensen want to scream and take some more pills.  
  
And that was nearly 4 more years ago. Now Jared had a brand new baby boy that Jensen was dear uncle too and both of their marriages were  perfect. Well perfect by appearances only. He knew Gen had stepped out on Jared plenty and well his marriage was a hoax but a damn good one. She kept quiet about his love affair with drugs and he kept her in furs and jewels. What a lovely way to spend his life. Or half a life really.  
  
It was only getting worse though since the baby had arrived. Now Jensen knew he had no chance at getting Jared back when the show ended or their marriages did. Even if both their marriages were loveless Jared would stay for the kid. Of course he would, Jensen has to think to himself, of course he fucking would. But where did that leave Jensen...still heartbroken, drug addicted, and married to a bitter shrew.  
  
And that's where his thoughts kept coming too. He was lying in a motel bed on the other side of the world bemoaning his fate waiting til the pills kicked in. He had to appear sober for these convention things but that was the good thing about practice, you just kept getting better at it. He was an old pro, in more than one way at it by now. His life it seemed would always go in cycles. Maybe he was bipolar or something, nah just a junkie. He'd fall in love and be fine for a few years and then the affair would end and so would his normal life. Then he'd find himself slugging a bottle back, popping some pills, and maybe taking a hit or two maybe three wishing his life could be different.  
  
He could still remember the first time he took pills for something other than pain. How great the release from life was for a little while, at least til he’d come down and realized he was still alive. It had started about as early as the drinking had. It hadn’t been hard to steal beer from his dad and valium from his mother. They’d never caught on and if they had they’d never said, not that Jensen would have ever given a fuck. Even back then he always appeared perfect on the outside while he was screaming on the inside.   
  
Now it was more ugliness and rage on the inside but back then he had just begun to hate himself. And the pills and booze could make it better or worse on any given day. His parents had fought more and more as the kids got older and still somehow managed to stay together. But it was the early fights that made Jensen want to hide under the covers and fade away. And the bullying at school for being too smart or too scrawny. It wasn’t until high school that things got better for him. But Jensen had already decided that love obviously hurt a lot and drugs made it all feel better. He still did sports, worked really hard in school, and had a lot of friends but it was always the pills and booze that made up for having to do all that.   
  
He’d tried to be normal, tried to be the best Jensen he could be but it wasn’t until high school acting class that he found out that there were ways he could be himself and no one would mind. He figured out though that acting wouldn’t get him anywhere so maybe college sports would , then that become physical therapy but then it all came back around to acting. And his dad the community theatre actor extraordinaire encouraged it. Not knowing that hindsight was 20/20 and would someday regret telling Jensen that it was ok to go sow his wild oats in LA for a few years.   
  
Now it was over 15 years later and Jensen had certainly sowed some wild oats and lots of them. For proof anyone could check out TMZ, of course his biggest secret had never been found out. Him and Jared were far too secretive for that. He had thought it was love whereas for Jared it was obviously just getting to fuck a tight ass like his and loving that not him. Not him, never him, he wasn’t enough for Michael and learned another lesson when he wasn’t good enough for Jared either. Maybe it really was hollywood and he needed to leave it all behind. But here he was a world away and was still thinking about it all far too much. It was depressing him even more and preventing the pills from working at all. Damn it he thinks as he rolls over to his side and screams into the pillow, he hated all this bullshit, just hated it.  
  
But he couldn’t change it, and wouldn’t not really, not anymore. He had nothing left now but a cliched career, bullshit friendships, and a sham marriage. But it was his and damn if that didn’t mean doing these conventions, meeting crazy fans, and having to look at the one man he had always dreamed of but could never have. And that’s why he needed these pills to kick in, damn it. Looking at ceiling was all he could do though, he had a few more minutes before he was needed and he needed those minutes to count as he just tried to breathe, and breathe some more.


	2. 2

** It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~Colette **

  
He’d been flipping through the channels waiting for Colton to wake up from his nap. Gen had gone out with the girls, leaving him behind to care for the baby  again . God some days his life was just too much. Sitting back on the couch it was all he could do to sigh heavily. Looking up was when he’d stumbled upon it. TNT of course, they always show the cult shows on repeat. And on one of his days off what does he find, HIM of course Jared thinks with a snort.   
  
It certainly brought him back to days he’d rather not relive. At least not now, with Colton and Gen in his life. It was Gen that had taken him away from those days anyway. And look where it got him. Thank god she had the baby a little before hiatus, how nice of her really. It helped him remove himself from the show and the cast and that whole life. He had to do so on a regular basis so much now that he hated himself a little for it. It used to be they were a family now him and most of them were barely friends. He’d heard of this happening on other shows but he’d never thought it could happen to theirs.   
  
But then he’d been thinking with his big brain back then and not his dick. The past few years showed just how good of actors him and Jensen really were. They act as close friends could all day and night, it was only on these days off that Jared could think about it with any bitterness. He was always ON. And not even having Colton had made the situation that was his life any better. He just felt trapped one way or the other. He and Jensen had been close, and had gotten too close for his own careers comfort and Jared had done the sensible thing and broken things off.  
  
He shouldn’t have started it to begin with. He’d heard the rumors about Jensen, everybody in Hollywood had. There had been no happy endings for the Dark Angel cast and that had included Jensen. He hadn’t expected to get deep as fast as it had. But he was to blame for that. Jared down deep knew that. He’d gotten clingy and affectionate with his co-star. One of the dumber things he’d done but still couldn’t regret. He and Jensen had been awesome, even better than with Sandy. Better than any woman including Gen. But he knew after meeting Gen that he had the power to make or break his career.   
  
He’d chosen his career and broken Jensen’s heart, that much he knew. The last few years had proved how dark his denial could truly be. Watching Jensen on screen even now on the TV Jared could see what no one else could, that Jensen had broken. But Jared had tried to go back to what they used to be, but nothing had helped. He knew Jensen had only gotten married to spite him and to save his own sanity somewhat. But it hadn’t helped his ex at all, nothing but the booze Jared could constantly smell on his breath had. And that was slowly killing him, bit by bit the man Jared had known for so long was fading away.   
  
The conventions were even more of a tell for those that knew Jensen best. Jared couldn’t stop thinking about the latest one, Jensen had spent all the free time they had passed the fuck out in his hotel room and stunk like cheap booze. The man could barely focus half the time and should thank the PTB that Jared and the rest of the cast and crew had his back. Everytime Jared was shocked that the fans said nothing, maybe they hugged him more and were more affectionate during sessions but that could be his own mind projecting.   
  
Either way looking at Jensen now just made Jared sad. He knew he’d been the one to do this to the once strong man. But it wasn’t all on him, he’d seen Jensen indulge a little too much at parties thrown by Kane or Rosie. There had to have been something wrong with Jensen a long time before Jared came along and seduced him. He’d met Jensen’s long time friends and all his family throughout the years of shooting the show and he hadn’t seen where things had gone wrong for him.   
  
And now that he was an outsider he had even less rights to Jensen’s life. But he hoped that shooting season 8 would help and even directing a few episodes had to have made Jen happy. The new season certainly hadn’t made the Gen he has now happy. She’d been hoping to offload Colton on him during days so she could shoot scenes for a new show she had a semi permament role on. But Jared had put his foot down, he’d been hearing Gen nag at him for months and even years about ending his role and still hated it.   
  
Jared knew he had a good thing and since him and Jensen were able to handle one another professionally he wasn’t going to worry. That didn’t stop him from feeling guilt about Gen. But he’d learned to live with it after Jen and couldn’t bring himself to stop. He needed it to keep going, it was his badge, his shield. He’d stay with Gen and raise Colton, work with Jen, and try not ruin them both anymore than he already had. 


	3. 3

** "The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of day with some purchased relief." ~Russell Brand **

  
Jensen couldn't believe what a fool he'd become. He'd been on hiatus a little over a month now and he'd lost it. Drinking a little each day turned into drinking alot each hour of the day. Thankfully there'd been no drinking and driving but sitting in a jail cell for a bar fight he'd started was somehow just as bad. It was certainly hell on the hangover he was developing.   
  
The bar fight was all his fault, he'd started it after he'd taken a few remarks a little too personally. But he'd been so drunk at that point that it had been a matter of honor to him. It had looked like a really good idea to defend himself at the time. That was what led him here, a jail cell of all places. He felt like he was living Dean's life these days and not his own. At least the other guys were in the cell next to him and all he had to deal was some homeless guy on the bench across from him. Unfortunately he'd sobered up the minute the cell door had slammed shut.   
  
And that's where he was now, sober enough to regret and still hungover enough to want to die. The fog hadn't lifted until he'd had to make his one phone call. He knew his agent hadn't said much because she was so furious with him. But he had hoped to have been bailed out by now. He didn't like being left alone with his thoughts, they just depressed him more. It was a little harsh of her to leave him in jail overnight. But Jensen also knew his agent was the least of his worries. When Eric and the network found out what happened he knew his head might end up on a platter somewhere.   
  
The hours passed slower than molasses when you sat in a jail cell. He'd spent the entire night sobering up enough that all he wanted to do now was scream. He knew he'd screwed up bigtime. And that when his fans and the press caught wind of this latest episode of his they were going to crucify him. He was ashamed he'd let his addiction and depression drag him so far down. But he still didn't know what he to do with himself next. That was what hiatus had been about, he'd planned on taking the time to unwind far far away from Vancouver.   
  
But unwinding had turned into some serious drinking and downers and well look where that got him. His thoughts were circling back and forth from "What the hell am I gonna do?" and "Oh my god I am so fucked." They were interrupted though when the cell door was slammed open and his name was called. Looking up at the same cop he saw last night when he was put in this cell Jensen could only cringe and imagine what was waiting for him as he was told again by the cop to "Get out." As he made his way out of the cell and through processing it was all Jensen could do not to cringe as he kept his head as much as he could. Unfortunately it wasn’t his agent that met him at the exit doors, it was his very own nightmare. “Fuck” was all he said as he made his way to Jared’s side. This was not what he wanted to face when he was this hungover and in this much trouble. He hadn’t wanted to see the man until the new season started filming and now that was in jeopardy since Jensen had become a drunken joke.    
  
And it wasn’t Jared’s usual hangdog face he was seeing either, it was the face of a man he knew to be so furious he could barely speak. Jensen knew he’d really done it this time. He was certainly not looking forward to the ride home with Jared this mad. He felt lower than pond scum as Jared just turned on his heel and made for the parking garage, obviously just expecting Jensen to just follow him. He hadn’t had a walk of shame in years and this felt worse than it had ever felt before. He’d never felt like such a failure in his life.     
  
Still, there were no words spoken by them as they finally reached the car. As soon as the doors closed unlocked Jensen got in but felt even more like a prisoner. Especially when the doors locked with a ominous click. Jared still hadn’t said a word to him and Jensen was feeling anxious. The rushing colors of traffic wasn’t helping his hangover. And paired with his anxiety he was feeling even more depressed than usual. Driving with Jared as silent as the dead made the drive feel 10 times as long as it would have been before they’d broken up. Even over the past year or so the drive would have been easy even if it was awkward.    
  
It wasn’t til they got to his and Danni’s apartment that Jared said anything to him. And Jensen felt even worse with his words, “I’ve never been more ashamed of you than I am right now Jensen Ackles. I thought you would be above all this, a bar fight Jen? Jesus, were you channeling Chad all of a sudden? You’ve really fucked it up big this time. Get out of the car Jen before I start screaming at you.” Jensen gets out as he was told and turns to look at Jared. He just wanted to say something but didn’t have any words to say other than, “I’m sorry.” It doesn’t seem to be enough though. But it was all he could say before he closed the door and watched the car just drive off without any more words from the man he still loved so much. 


	4. 4

** "...felt so lonely in your company but that was love and it's an ache I still remember." ~Gotye  **   
  
Jared had finally made it home and he was still shaking. When he’d gotten the phone call from hell he’d been shocked enough to stop breathing for a minute there. He’d let the phone drop from his hands onto the floor with a clatter. He knew that Jensen had been getting worse and worse with each season they shot. The liquor on his breath getting more distinctive depending on who he was shooting scenes with. From what Misha & Jim said they hadn’t noticed anything coming from the man. Although they’d mentioned that afterwards if it had been a long shoot Jensen would get the shakes. And all of them knew it wasn’t just exhaustion that had the man shaking.    
Jared knew the signs of long term alcohol usage, he’d seen it in Chad as well as a few family members. Being from Texas you would be accustomed to seeing men drink heavily from an early age.  It was always just another excuse to drink and barbeque. Whatever got them through tough days on the ranch or in the office but Jared had wanted no part of it. He’d party hard with his buddies but he’d leave it back at the bar when he got home. There was beer in the fridge but that was it no matter what each of the J(G)en’s wanted.    
  
But Jared had only himself to blame for both of his love’s descent into madness. It was only a paternity test that proved to him that Colton was his. Jensen had only started drinking heavily after Jared left him, this he knew because Chris had beat it into his face one weekend.Gen on the other hand had started out as an appetizer and had only married him under pressure. And she hated him for it. Hated him so much that she laid with others and partied with friends instead of being with him and their son.    
  
It was a good thing their neighbor was willing to watch Colton for the whole day instead of a few hours because Jared needed to decompress or he’d lose it. He’d never been so angry and sad at the same time. He’d wanted to hug him, throttle him, and sob some when he’d seen Jensen coming out of the cells. He hadn’t wanted to scream though so he just walked away no matter how much it hurt. They both deserved to hurt, to have the guilt over this plague them. Jared would never forgive himself for ruining Jensen further but he also couldn’t regret Colton. His marriage he regretted but his son he loved truly.     
  
He knew it didn’t matter to Jensen though, there was no good outcome for him because of this whole situation. They were both stuck though. Divorce was possible he assumed but Jared didn’t want it, not really. Jensen might want to divorce Danni but Jared wouldn’t divorce or leave Gen til she forced him to. He couldn’t do that to Colton, he’d tough it out as long as he could. He had to, especially since Jensen had told him on Jared’s own wedding day that he better be sure because there was no going back. Jensen wouldn’t have him because Jared knew down deep there was no trust or love there other than a decaying kind that haunted them both.    
  


** "When you can stop you don't want to, and when you want to stop, you can't..." **

** -Luke Davies **

  
Jensen had known it would be bad but he hadn’t realized how bad as he trudged up to his apartment and tried not to think about things. Life had been slowly spirling out of  his control since Dark Angel. He’d gotten a handle on his life since he’d acted in the soaps. And he’d thought he was doing well. But all it took was being the other man in a love triangle to have his life crumble apart in his hands. Micheal hadn’t kept his big mouth shut as he had promised. And as soon as their relationship ended it was all over the hills just how slutty Jensen Ackles could be.    
  
His career had taken a while to take off again after that. It was impossible to go to auditions and not get propositioned. Every one who heard the story from somebody else who heard the story thought he was easy when all he was, was heartbroken. But the CW had taken a chance on him and he’d proved himself on “Smallville” no one would deny that. And soon after he was proving himself as Dean Winchester and had been doing a damn good of it to.    
  
But then he had to go and fall in love with his costar AGAIN. But this time he’d been cautious, he’d made them both sign agreements that would hold up in court. Jared had been shocked but understanding once Jensen had explained the real story behind all the rumors. But as soon as a pretty piece of pussy came around that was interested Jensen lost once again. Maybe he should become a woman, that would probably solve a few things but make him even more TMZ fodder than he already was. He’d thought all those years ago that he’d learned his lesson but obviously not when once again he’d got his heart stomped on.    
  
Jensen in the end had a new relationship to work with and a career that was finally mattering so he gave in to Jared’s idea. But he’d warned the both of them when Jared the fool also got married that this was it, once this happened Jensen refused to be second fiddle again. So they’d gone back to be costars and sometimes friends. Never appearing as close as they once were but still close enough that the fans never truly caught on. Though thinking about it Jensen knew that would change, the fans and the whole world would know just how fucked Jensen was in general.    
  
He had hope though, his lawyer had offered a plea deal for rehab and community service and it had been accepted. Thankfully he’d been released and he’d also been given a day or two to get things straightened out. For the next month after that he had a intense rehab to look forward to and didn’t that make him want to reach for the bottle again. And there it was sitting on the coffee table where he’d placed it after getting into the apartment and then settling on the couch. He’d been staring at it so long condensation was dripping onto the table and puddling. Just like his life really. Puddling before him and melting at his hot and hated touch. He couldn’t change things though, at least not the ones in the past. Leaning back some and ignoring the beer he was casually optimistic that maybe, just maybe rehab would help make him better, make him not able to feel this deep pit of despair anymore.   
  


**“I picked up every piece and landed on my feet, I'm wide awake, need nothing to complete myself.”  ~ Katy Perry**     



End file.
